Like, whoa...

After last night, I've been living through today in a haze. I've gotten nothing done. It was amazing. She's amazing. I really like this girl.

Free...

I've waxed and waned poetic. I've agonized. I've might have wasted more time than I should have. But I think in the end I realized a few important points. People in your life will come and go. It's not worth hanging onto something just because it was known. I am released, by the choice and power of my own...

And after I figured all of this out, I met someone new. In her I see a gorgeous person inside and out. As of yet, she treats me like gold. She's human, like me, and insanely bright. She's well-spoken, and surrounded by quality friends. It also doesn't hurt that she's incredibly cute. And what's more, she likes *me*, which tickles me. This one might stick... at least for a while :)

Reasons why it wouldn't work...

Location.
I don't like that state, and wouldn't want to move there.
I like where I am right now.
She probably wouldn't acknowledge our relationship in public.
Her family might never know that I exist.
I would probably be excluded from events involving people that she knows from work.
We would have to act like we were "just friends" wherever we went.
I'm not ready for commitment right now, and I see that as the only reason for making such a big leap of faith.
I deserve to date other people and experience more and figure out what I like.
I deserve someone who can be with me in the present.

Granted, some of these things might change, but the fact of the matter is that this is the way things are right now, and I've got to be realistic.

Sort of helps...

Ya know... it just struck me that the reason I might be feeling so bent out of shape is that it's nearing that time of the month. TMI? Borderline. But does it make sense? Maybe!

Hopefully, things will start looking up pretty soon. Just knowing that that might be contributing to my feeling down sort of helps

Hit me hard...

Damn. It's hit me hard. For some reason I can't stop thinking about it. I'm half hoping it's a ruse--you trying to seem like you are in a relationship so that people don't suspect. But that's unlikely.

I just can't stand thinking about you with someone else. Laughing with someone else. Kissing someone else.

And then, it strikes me that we were never facebook official in any form, and it makes me wince. Not that it ever bothered me or occurred to me at the time.

Logically, I'm fine with it, and happy for you (why shouldn't I be?), but feelings-wise, I'm not there at all.

Then I'm glad for it...

"In a relationship" :( It was inevitable.

I imagine a chat, in which I inquire about the special person... and I'll say something like:
Me: "I won't lie, I envy the person who gets to be with you..."
Me: "but if that person makes you happy, then I'm glad for it :)" And this makes me tear up a little.

And then maybe you'd say something about how I'm worthy and I'll find someone cool too.

And I'd say that maybe I was destined to be alone because I'm picky and I don't think I'll ever find someone like you again.

Thoughts about the future...

For some reason, I've been thinking about my life this morning (I guess studying for finals brings up those key things that you'd much rather think about at this point). I really don't know what's ahead. I mean, I'm set for the next few years that I'll be in school, but after that, it's really up in the air.

You see, since I've starting working, and worked 40 hours per week over the summer, I've realized that aside from work, there's really not a whole lot of time. And I don't want to waste that time or continue to spend a majority of that time by myself. I feel like once I start in a job, I'm essentially going to be locked in for quite some time. I don't resent the job--I think I'm going to love what I'm going to end up doing--but I just feel like it's all for naught if I don't have someone to share that with.

All the money in the world doesn't make a difference if you don't have someone to take that international trip with, or to just enjoy enjoy things with. I'm frugal by nature, but there's no sense in saving everything if you're not saving up for *something*.

And then, location. I really miss my home state. I wouldn't mind moving back there, but I wonder if it's just my nostalgia that makes it so appealing. What if I relocated back and ended up being out of place and alone? And, in terms of career, location won't be easily mutable for me because of licensing. So where I do my residency could likely be where I ultimately get my first job as a full-fledged professional. It's a loaded consideration.

I continually wonder if I'm one of those people who just isn't bound to find someone. It seems like the main topic in the air is marriage and commitment and kids (or maybe I just notice it now these days). Sometimes I dreamingly map out what those things would look like for me, and other times I frustratedly reject the ideas--thinking that it likely won't be a reality for me.

*Le sigh* Part II

Yeah... I broke down, and called... and left a message. (Grrr! It's so much easier to talk to someone than it is to leave a message!) That aside, I decided that I was tired of letting things pass me by completely, and feeling totally passive about everything. At the least, I figure the invitation will lead to a fun night out. At the worst, I'll learn another one of those important lessons or something.

*Le sigh*

So I went on a date last weekend. It was nice. Good to get out. She was pretty cool... We had a good time.

And yet, I logically think through the next few weeks, and I don't know where to squeeze anything in. Rather, I don't know if I want anything extra. So it's coming around time to, you know, call for more plans, and I just don't have the desire. Not because she wasn't cool, but it'd be easier for me to stay in my little cocoon and have one less thing (albeit fun thing) to think about. *Le sigh*

I can't wait until final exams are over.

Chess...

So, yeah... the co-workers are getting pretty bent out of shape. I missed the meeting that they had about everything, but read an email after the meeting listing some of their demands. I think they're feeding off of each other and overestimating their worth, because I felt that the demands that they listed were rather unreasonable.

I see negotiation and interactions as chess games. You anticipate what other people's moves would be, how they'd potentially respond, and assuming the worst scenario, how you would respond to that. And then how they'd respond, and what you'd do again... and etc. I'm all about analyzing the whole sequence of events. I feel like the unstated ultimatum that we put forth by making these requests is that we want these things, or we'll quit. And I don't think the things we might ask for are things that can be given just in terms of logistics. Heck, I know we're not the only people putting demands on them, they have a LOT of people to juggle and schedule. I'm using "we" here even though I sent the rest of them an email saying that I didn't really agree. I hope that this doesn't put me in the doghouse, but blah--I feel like this would lead in a stalemate, at best.

In other news, we've got hot water again. Cold showers weren't that bad when it was warm in the house afterwards, but now hot water is a treat. Also, my tests all turned out decently.